


Bumps in the Night

by Tarn



Category: Van Helsing (2004)
Genre: First Time, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-06
Updated: 2013-02-06
Packaged: 2017-11-28 11:25:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,975
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/673857
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tarn/pseuds/Tarn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the Austrian forest while on the way home from a mission Gabriel contemplates the recent shift in his feeling for his partner.  Conversation turns to more as monsters lurk in the shadows.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bumps in the Night

**Author's Note:**

> I’m a historical accuracy nut. Yeah this movie is pretty much steampunk, monster killing fun but still. Barring much of the crazy science Carl does well before it’s time I like to keep things period. So there might be old timey words that you don’t know. Like worsted- rough cloth woven from worsted wool yarn. Just ask if anything else doesn’t make sense. And yes, rubber condoms were around. They were invented in 1855. Story takes place 5 years after the movie so it’s 1893.

Bumps in the Night

 

Somewhere in Austria...

Carl was humming again.

He knew it shouldn’t bother him so, the humming, but it did. It annoyed him to no end and he didn’t even know way. Gabriel Van Helsing, monster hunter and ‘left hand of God’, was being driven to distraction by his companion’s incessant humming of some unknown tune.

“Carl!” He barked before he could stop himself.

The friar started, blinking in shock and very nearly tumbling off his horse. “What?”

“Stop that infernal humming will you?” He didn’t mean to sound so sour but something was eating at him. His hackles were up, worse than full moons when he dreamed about howling and running down deer. As though he needed additional nightmares.

“Oh. Sorry, that song’s been stuck in my head since Bavaria.” He snickered. “Remember that beer hall in Kissing. Well I met the sweetest little fräulein there. She and I, well...” 

Ah. Bavaria. So that was the trouble. Van Helsing did his best to tune out the friar’s ribald tale. It didn’t used to bother him to hear of the man’s exploits but now it did. He knew full well why, he’d just rather not admit it. It would complicate things. 

“Anyway, she taught me the song but as it’s in German I can’t sing it. Can only hum the thing. It’s funny really. I can read the language just fine, have to. Too many really good scientific papers are in German. Can’t seem to get hang of the grammar what with six cases and all...” 

“Carl.” Van Helsing shook his head and sighed before checking the horizon. It would be dark within an hour or two. “We’ll have to camp tonight. I don’t think we’ll find a public house before nightfall.”

“Damn. Can’t we just push on? My back is killing me and if I spend one more night sleeping on the ground I don’t think I’ll be able to move come morning.”

“No we can’t. And don’t pout about it. Or whine.” All he needed was a mopey friar puttering about the campsite distracting him further. And since when had Carl’s moods so affected him?

All through searching out a site and setting up camp Gabriel thought about it. In the five years since Transylvania, or The Dracula Affair as the Order called it, the pair had been sent out numerous times to investigate and eliminate supernatural evils. In those years they had gone from colleagues to partners to friends. Getting out of the Vatican had done Carl a world of good. Experience in the field with real monsters had made his inventions that much more ingenious and deadly. It had also made him stronger, quicker and rather less stooped over than he used to be. He was still a head shorter than the hunter but the hunch that years of leaning over manuscripts in dimly lit libraries had given him was straightening out.

But as good as the effect on Carl’s stature, intellect and general personality was, it was terrible on his faith. Anymore Gabriel prayed more than he did. When you considered how often that happened, well lets just say Carl really wasn’t making his prayer quotas.

It wouldn’t have bothered Van Helsing at all but the biggest sign of the friar’s waning devotion to mother church was his increasing devotion to carnality. Nearly every town they visited the man made a conquest. Tavern wenches, milk maids, shepherdesses, and a whole gaggle of magistrates’ daughters. Carl’s reputation as a Casanova almost rivaled Gabriel’s as a murderer.

He didn’t begrudge the man his fun, though he didn’t much like being run out of towns because he’d dallied with the wrong girl either. Lately however he’d been finding himself a little jealous. At first he’d thought it was Carl and his bashful appeal that he envied. The friar barely exercised any effort in attracting comely lasses to his side. Van Helsing on the other hand was dark and brooding and seemed to scare interested parties away more than anything. Only a certain type of woman was bold enough to approach him and often as not they ended up dieing a noble death in protection of their family or village. It was Anna all over again. At least he hadn’t killed any of more of them.

Not that it mattered much if they didn’t die. Being Gabriel Van Helsing, monster killer for a secret society fighting the forces of evil, meant that you couldn’t really entertain a long term relationship. And damn it all if he wasn’t too noble and romantic to bed them and leave. No, that was horse shit. He could, it just wasn’t much fun anymore. Not since Warsaw.

Destroying an out of control golem loose in the city had seemed easy enough. But then the creature proved itself to be very much in someone’s control. After spending the evening flirting with the rabbi’s daughter, Carl found himself the target of the simulacrum and that’s when things got really hairy. The Order had chosen to send them with an expert but Rabbi Hirsh never got a chance to see if he could dispel the monster. Gabriel had beaten the thing to dust with a broken table leg before he could get a prayer out. He wasn’t sure which had bothered him more, Carl’s open gratitude or the Rabbi’s questioning smirk.

Their next assignment had confirmed it. When Carl started making eyes at the chambermaid, Van Helsing was sure where his jealousy was directed. So now every time the friar got intimate with some young lady, Gabriel got more grumpy and distant. And every time Carl ended up in the path of some danger, Gabriel was consumed by a protective rage bordering on the psychotic.

Gabriel could have continued to stifle it. He had been able to squash the developing affections for months now but this last mission had put an end to that. He could no more deny his desires then he could deny his duty as a destroyer of evil. 

The trouble with Carl was he seemed to have no idea what was going on. He appeared oblivious to his friend’s distress. To him, Van Helsing was no more or less surly than before. Their friendship was just as strange as it had always been. They bantered, they teased, they chatted and they worked brilliantly together. The order had never had a better team.

The question was, how much longer would they have them if Gabriel continued to feel this way about his partner? Would he have to ask Cardinal Jinette to stop sending the friar out with him? The idea was not only absurd because they worked so well in unison but also because Carl would hate being cloistered again and wouldn’t stand for it. Never mind how much Van Helsing would miss working with the man.

Gabriel sighed deeply into his bowl. Their camp made, a fire going and a pot of rabbit and wild mushroom stew in a pleasant simmer over said fire found the hunter still deep in thought. And Carl was again humming as he poured tea for them.

“Honey Gabriel?” The friar offered with a smile.

“Yes. Thank you.” He accepted the mug but set it down next to his bowl without drinking. “Carl?”

“Hmm?” The man blew into his own mug, but still managed to scald himself when he drank. “Ow. Too hot yet.”

Gabriel grinned. He almost didn’t pursue his train of thought, but if he let things go much longer the explosion would be bigger than any Carl had yet managed in his lab. “Do you think you’ll ever take full holy orders?” 

There, that question felt innocent enough.

Carl stared at the fire a moment before biting his lip and sighing. “No, I don’t think so. As it happens I’m seriously thinking about giving up on this whole friar business. Except I can’t, can I? I have to stay part of the Order don’t I? Where else would you get your toys?”

“True.” Gabriel frowned. The idea of Carl leaving the Vatican was as bad as him staying in the city. Worse. “Why would you leave?”

“Well. It’s a little hard to keep believing in one true god when when you work elbow to elbow with Buddhist monks, Orthodox Jewish mystics, Hindu Yogis and Islamic Mullahs now isn’t it? And what with all we’ve run into over the years, it’s damned hard to discount other possibilities. Really, I’ve always been more of a scientist than a theologian. I only stayed with the church to learn about herbology and alchemy and chemistry and whatnot. And now I’m stuck.”

Gabriel pondered this unhappily. “If you don’t have a calling for it anymore, why not leave? Go to Oxford or somewhere and pursue a career as a great scientist?”

“Don’t think I haven't dreamed of it.” The friar smirked. “But honestly, how do you leave a secret religious society that fights vampires, werewolves, chimera, and ghosts? It’s just not possible.”

Van Helsing shrugged. “You could continue to work for the order. As a lay scientist?”

“Oh yes, that would work. I’ll just go to Cardinal Jinette and say, ‘I hope this doesn’t cause any trouble and I want to keep working for you, but I’ve become a taoist’. He’d just love that.” Carl punctuated his statement by tossing a twig into the fire.

Gabriel grinned widely. “He’d probably have heart failure. I think I’d pay to see that.”

Carl snorted. “You can keep your money because I’m not doing it. I love my work. So I’ll just stay a friar, secretly read Eastern philosophy and keep my lab thank you very much.”

“I’m surprised sometimes Jinette hasn’t thrown you out already.” Gabriel scowled at the fire.

“Why? What have I done? Aside from nearly blowing up the place that is.”

Gabriel smirked. “The wenching, Carl.”

“Oh, that.” Carl grinned. “Well, as I’ve never taken a vow of celibacy I don’t really see the trouble. I mean honestly, why would any god have a problem with that? I’m always terribly careful. And besides, I rarely actually engage in intercourse.”

Van Helsing blinked, his spirits lifted a moment. “Really?”

Now Carl leered. “Don’t have to. There are any numbers of delights to be had without taking that risk.”

“Oh.” And his heart sunk again.

“Anyway, as I’m a taoist now it’s not really an issue. Sex is healthy and necessary to our well being. I really think the Catholic church has spent too many years repressing people, don’t you?” Carl frowned. “Well, maybe you don’t.”

“No. I can see the point.” He could indeed. Would this thing with Carl have him so knotted up if he didn’t? Unlikely.

“Of course. Just look at Bavaria. Would that case have been as bad if people were more open and accepting?”

Bavaria. Exactly what Gabriel didn’t want to think about. What should have been a routine investigation into a poltergeist turned into a battle royal with a pair of angry ghosts who had possessed the mayor of Augsburg’s daughter and her finance. Turned out that the ghosts were those of the girl’s uncle and his soldier lover who had taken their lives in a double suicide when their affair came to light. Van Helsing had feared that he’d end up with yet two more hideous murders on his record but luckily Carl had found a way to quiet the spirits and convince them to let their hosts go before the couple were seriously hurt. The shame to the Mayor’s family however could not be banished and the engagement ended in tears.

“No Carl, it would not have.”

“See then. The church’s attitudes toward sex are trapped in the 18th century. A number of noted scholars agree that intimacy within the same sex is neither demonic nor unnatural. In fact it happens among animals all the time. Why should we be any different?”

Gabriel’s brow knitted in deep thought. If ever there was a better chance to strike he doubted it. A hunter knows an opening when he sees it right? He doesn’t pass up an opportunity to seize his quarry. “Why indeed?”

Van Helsing stood, brushed his pants off and strode around the fire toward his friend wearing a wolfish grin.

“Gabriel? Is something the matter?” Carl shied away a little as he got closer. How easy it was to reach down and pull the smaller man to his feet and stare into those blue eyes.

“Van Helsing?”

The tremble in the friar’s voice made him all the more appealing. The name had barely left those lips before Gabriel had pressed his own to them. He didn’t linger over the kiss as much as he might have wanted to. No telling what reaction he’d get.

All he got as he pulled away however was a pair of wide eyes and a mouth dropping open in shock. 

Gabriel took a step back to put a little space between himself and his friend. His eyebrow quirked up and his hands moved behind his back as he waited for the man to say something.

“You kissed me.” The friar’s fingers raised to his lips as though to check for moisture.

“I did.”

“Why?”

Gabriel shrugged. “I wanted to.”

“Oh.” Carl blinked. “Um. Do you want to do other things to me as well?”

The funny little up turn in his voice made Van Helsing smile. “I do.”

“Ah. Well, I’m flattered. I mean, I had no idea... Really?”

Gabriel sighed. “Yes, Carl. Really.” 

Carl sat down on his stump heavily. “I have to think about this. I’m not saying no. I just have to think about it first. All right?”

All he could do was bow slightly and walk back to the other side of the fire.

The rest of the eve passed in silence. They ate their cold dinners and quietly set up their bedrolls. The only words spoke were when Carl announced he was taking first watch. Since he usually took it anyway, Gabriel wondered why he’d bothered. He figured it best not to mention it though.

He felt eyes on him as he removed his coat, vest, and boots. His nightly ritual of arranging weapons nearby to insure quick reaction should he wake under attack and the small prayer he generally made before sleep were all watched with interest. A hunter knows when he’s being watched but it was strangely comforting to know that this time the eyes on him were not those of an enemy. 

* * * 

He didn’t remember having fallen asleep but at least he hadn’t been dreaming. Van Helsing never had dreams that weren’t nightmares. The hand gently shaking him and saying his name in a hush wasn’t part of a dream however.

“Gabriel.”

Again his shoulder was gripped and moved slightly. “Van Helsing. Gabriel.”

“Carl?”

He shot awake once the owner of the voice registered in the his mind and reached for his gun without thinking. Gabriel looked around warily, searching for any signs of danger. “Is anything amiss?”

Carl smiled bashfully. “No. I’m sorry to wake you but... I thought about it.”

Van Helsing blinked. “Thought about... oh.”

The kiss came back to him in a tumble of memory. He had kissed Carl. Not much of a kiss really. Little more then a peck on the lips. He found himself now staring at the man’s lower lip thinking about the sort of attentions he’d like to lavish on it. He licked his own lips in anticipation. Cocky bastard, he thought, how are you so sure his answer is yes? Well why else would he wake me? Time for second watch perhaps?

“Um... Gabriel?”

“Yes, Carl?” 

“You think you could put down the gun?”

Van Helsing blinked and looked at the weapon in his hand. “Oh. Sorry, force of habit.” He tossed the gun away a little and sat up running his hands through his hair. “So, you thought about it...

“Yes.” Carl said simply.

Gabriel waited a moment for him to continue, trying to keep his eyes from the man’s mouth, or chin, or neck or... damn. Once he let himself think about it was ridiculously clear how much he wanted Carl. But Carl was taking a rather long time to give him a clear answer one way or the other. “And?”

“And yes. That’s the answer. Yes.” The friar sighed and his face took on the sort of determined look it did when he was trying to work out a puzzle in the lab. Then he closed the small distance between their mouths and allowed his to brush lightly over Gabriel’s.

It was lovely. When he’d kissed the man earlier he’d held himself back. He had no intention of doing so now. His hands came up to grip at the man’s shoulders and hold him in place so he could take over this second little kiss and turn it into something more passionate.

Carl sighed again allowing himself to be carried into things. Their mouths moved together. One bold, demanding, and the other timid, yielding. Gabriel ran his tongue over those trembling lips before claiming the man’s mouth again with a growl. He gripped fiercely at Carl’s shoulders. The worsted of his robes was rough against his fingers. He pulled at the fabric, wanting inside those robes. The cowl pulled off easily enough but he had to release Carl’s lip to get the thing over his head. The cowl removed Carl seemed to get hold of his senses again. 

“Wait Gabriel.” He placed his hands on Van Helsing’s chest an action that was likely intended to quiet the man but instead resulted in him wrestling off his sweater. “Oh my. I... said wait.”

Gabriel held himself in check, swallowing. What the devil had gotten into him? “Sorry.”

“I’m really very flattered by this show of enthusiasm.” He smiled and stood up, untying his rope belt. “I should have thought to do this before I woke you I suppose. You’ll have to be patient with me, Gabriel. This is all very new.”

“It’s all right. I’m maybe a bit too eager.” He smirked and tossed his sweater to the side. He removed his linen undershirt too, rather happy that the weather was warm enough that he wasn’t wearing a union suit. His pants were hard enough to get off without an additional layer of flannel in the way. After working them and his under drawers down his legs and adding them to the same haphazard pile as his sweater and shirt, he looked up to find a ginger haired man standing before him wearing not but a shy grin.

Maybe ginger furred was a better way of putting it. Not that he wasn’t a bit on the hirsute side himself, though neither of them were hairy enough to put one in mind of lycanthropes. And Carl was beautiful. Really beautiful. Gabriel licked his lips again as he took in the sight. A very wolf like growl indeed escaped those lips as he moved to pull the other man down toward him.

“Oh! I do wonder sometimes, Gabriel, if that vaccine of Dracula’s really got all the beast out of you.”

Well, maybe he did make people think of a werewolf sometimes. Van Helsing ignored the comment, concentrating instead on covering the other man’s neck with kisses and nuzzling his chest, an action which produced a series of giggles. “My, that is nice.”

Gabriel’s tongue flicking over a nipple resulted in yet more commentary. “Oooh... that’s... yes that’s very nice.” 

“Carl. Shut up.” He said round the nub before giving it a nip. 

“Oh!... right.” Carl was quiet for all of a minute. “I really should be touching you though. I mean... aaah. You’re doing all the fondling and kissing at the moment and... well... I should be reciprocating.”

Gabriel rolled his eyes and tried to distract the man by licking and kissing down his ribcage.

“Well shouldn’t... mmmm... shouldn’t I Gabriel?

Van Helsing gritted his teeth a moment. “I’d certainly appreciate it.”

“Well of course you would. So...”

Tentative hands started to stroke his hair, then moved to knead his shoulders. He could feel all the calluses and marks on those hands. The writer’s bump and the wrinkled burn scars from numerous chemical fires in the lab. The clever hands soon roamed with more confidence over his neck and back. Van Helsing allowed himself to be pulled back upward for a deep kiss.

Letting the smaller man push him onto his back took some self control. Gabriel wanted to hold the friar down and ravish him but he doubted seriously that things would end altogether well if he did. Better to let Carl explore a bit. Better to let him kiss and nuzzle his neck and chest. Better to allow the man to stroke and caress his ribs and stomach. Best to hold back a fit of giggles as the fingers touched his sensitive hips. Knowing he’d found Van Helsing’s ticklish spot would give Carl an unfair advantage. 

All need to giggle subsided however as Carl rather surprisingly took the initiative and grabbed hold of his cock. A startled gasp came out instead as the hand started moving. “Damn Carl.”

“Now Gabriel, you shouldn’t swear.” Carl smiled slyly.

Gabriel gritted his teeth and fought to keep himself in check.

“Now let’s see. A light application of pressure. Gentle stroking along the length. I clearly need some kind of lubricant.” Carl leaned over to rummage in his nearby knapsack, while still keeping hold of his prize. “Here we are.”

He pulled out a bottle of oil he kept for massage and such. Gabriel swallowed loudly as he watched the friar pull out the stopper with his teeth and pour some oil over the swelled head of his cock. The hand still on the organ began to slide the stuff up and down making Gabriel groan. Carl grinned round the stopper, capped the bottle and continued the attention, randomly dropping kisses and light nibbles on Van Helsing’s chest.

The hunter leaned back on his arms and drank in the picture of it. Watching Carl manipulate him was just as amazing as feeling it. But the sight of the man’s other hand mirroring the strokes on his own cock was overwhelmingly erotic. 

“Oh God, Carl.” It was glorious. The man’s hand on him, stroking, caressing, extracting animal noises from him with the slightest change in pressure or speed. His lips darting from nipple to collarbone as though trying to gauge which produced a more favorable response. 

The feeling that he had been transformed from a man to the subject in a scientific inquiry on how to pleasure a man probably should have bothered Gabriel. But since when did Carl not approach life in this way? To be treated with the same sort of care and exuberance as one of the inventor’s beloved devises was actually quite gratifying. 

Coherent thought soon abandoned Van Helsing to rapturous pleasure. He wanted to thrust into the touch, was involuntarily doing it before he even realized he was. Gabriel took hold of Carl’s shoulders, clutching savagely while he bucked into his fist. The man’s lips claimed his and pulled a heady kiss from them as though demanding surrender. Ecstasy, like the fires of hell but strangely exalted, enveloped him. Gabriel reared from the kiss, roaring as bliss erupted across his body. He then curled toward the friar, clinging to him as breath and reason returned. Carl continued to pump, milking fluid from him while giving a breathy chuckle.

The forest seemed strangely hushed as though holding its breath in the wake of his cry. Van Helsing tensed suddenly. There was something about the quiet that felt altogether wrong. 

“That was magnificent. Gabriel? Is anything the... aaah.” Carl fell back heavily as the hunter shoved him aside to roll over and catch hold of his crossbow. 

Coming into a crouch Van Helsing shot. The bolt whizzed through the air and landed with a wet thud into something lurking in the dark at the edge of their campsite. A screech and the sounds of some creature thrashing in the underbrush broke the night.

Gabriel stood and walked to the source of the noise. “Stoke the fire Carl.”

The man swallowed loudly and moved to do so. “What was it?”

Van Helsing looked down at the dying monster with a bolt protruding from it’s neck. It’s leathery grey skin and huge ears serving as identification. “Troll of some kind. One of the small breeds. I’ll check the horses.”

“Um... Gabriel...”

“Hmm?” He turned back to the friar.

“You’re naked.”

Gabriel smiled. “The horses don’t care.”

“No. I suppose they don’t.” He grinned back.

Van Helsing walked to where the pair of animals stood tied to a bush. He whistled softly to calm their nervous shuffling. They were well but he allowed himself a quiet moment to muse over Carl. The little friar had surprised him by the zeal with which he’d embraced this new development. He’d taken to it with gusto. He scratched behind his horse’s ear as he mused about how to repay the man.

“Gabriel?!” The friar’s voice called him back to the present. “Are the horses well?”

“Yes.” He called back. 

“I’m firing up the kettle again. For tea.”

Gabriel returned to the circle of firelight. “I really don’t want tea right now.”

“Oh.” Carl shrugged. “Well, it often calms my nerves I find. A cup of tea.” 

He crouched down close to the man and smiled. “I was thinking of something else that you might find calming.”

Carl smiled back shyly. “You don’t have to.”

“Yes I do Carl.” He reached out to caress the other man’s cheek.

“This is passing strange Gabriel. Why me?”

The hunter shrugged. “Why not you? I trust you. I enjoy your company. If you hadn’t noticed, Carl, I’m not particularly good at making friends. Everyone else in the order is frightened of me. And everyone outside the order thinks I’m a cold-blooded killer. The only other person I’ve ever cared about is dead. Anyway, I find you very handsome. When you’re not slouching. Or swearing.” 

Carl smirked a little. “Thank you for finding me handsome. But isn’t the fact that I am a man, handsome or otherwise, even a bit of an issue?”

“It didn’t really occur to me. Honestly, I was more concerned that we were colleagues. It doesn’t matter to me if it doesn’t matter to you.”

“So am I correct in the assumption it that I’m not your first male lover?” Carl nervously shoved a stick about in the fire forcing sparks to fly up from it.

“Here, stop that.” Gabriel took the stick from him. “And the answer is yes. At least I think so. I don’t remember anyone specific, it’s just impressions.”

“So, from before. That is peculiar. Well, it’s been a long time since I found a fellow attractive enough to even think about it. Not since my novitiate days really. You are quite a handsome man yourself, Gabriel, and truth be told once the suggestion was made I found I rather liked the idea.”

“I’m glad you did. Now if I recall correctly, I owe you something.” Gabriel smiled.

Carl returned the look. “Yes you do.” He glanced over to where the dead troll still lay. “But is it altogether wise to indulge? Mightn’t there be other monsters sneaking about in the night?”

“I’ll keep you safe.”

Those words made the friar’s grin grow wider still. Gabriel responded to it by almost carrying the smaller man back toward his disheveled bedroll.

“Hang on a moment.” Carl darted away to grab his own blankets and the returned to arrange a sort of nest out of the two sets. His careful work was made somewhat irrelevant as Van Helsing sighed and knocked him over to pin him to the grass next to the makeshift bed.

“Gabriel.” Carl said with annoyance.

“Quiet.” He growled and moved quickly down from collar bone, to nipple, to navel, to hip until he’d finally reached his destination. He didn’t give Carl a chance to say anything, had a feeling that if he did the man would never shut up. Oh he would have liked to have taken his time, lingered a little in the task, done more then nuzzle the man’s balls once before sucking his cock in to the root. But a strange air of urgency had taken hold of him.

Carl didn’t seem to mind a great deal. Too busy writhing on the ground and pulling up handfuls of grass and moss. At least he wasn’t yammering on. He was certainly vocal but no recognizable words were coming out of him. But you really couldn’t expect someone to be articulate while their penis was being pulled repeating down someone’s throat.

Gabriel wondered for just a moment where he’d learned to do that. It hardly mattered so he ignored the thought and concentrated instead on shallowing the man under him whole and fondling whatever patch of skin came under his hands. Stomach, hips, thighs. testicles, that warm spot just behind them. Rubbing his knuckles into that really made Carl shout and jump. Unfortunately it also made the man’s cock slam a little too hard into the back of his throat, which hurt.

Aside from that little discomfort it was without a doubt one of the most wondrous things Gabriel Van Helsing had ever had the pleasure of doing. The solid weight on his tongue. The stretching sensation in his lips. Just the whole heavenly, carnal joy of it. And the sounds. Carl’s pleading wordless moans and grunts were like angel’s music. He’d definitely be saying Hail Mary’s for a couple of months solid for that bit of blasphemy. 

As much as he might want to slowly worship Carl’s body, he knew somehow he couldn’t. The feeling of haste was on him again. Luckily fellating tends to make one drool so there was enough moisture collected around Carl’s rectum to allow entrance. A finger applied thus and Gabriel was rewarded with a guttural shout and a flood. Quickly he swallowed and lapped up all there was, then rolled back onto his heels to look around the campsite.

The night had again taken on an ethereal stillness. Little could be heard over Carl’s panting. The horses were snorting nervously though, which meant that something wasn’t right. Van Helsing’s eyes darted to his crossbow by the fire. Damn. Too far away.

“Gab...”

The hunter silenced his companion with a raised hand. Tiny rustling sounds were starting to come to him. Something was watching them from the edge of the camp. A sudden realization came to him that the dead troll’s body was nowhere to be seen.

“Carl.” Van Helsing hissed. “Get my gun.”

To his credit Carl moved quickly for someone post-climax. He rolled over and scrambled to the line of weapons still laying where Van Helsing had left them. He tossed a revolver back to Gabriel who caught it easily. The friar then scooped up the shotgun from the assortment and waited.

As though by arming themselves they had summoned the creatures the camp was suddenly being swarmed by small, grey skinned fiends with huge ears.

“More trolls?!” Carl shouted as he aimed the shotgun at one running toward him. He braced himself and pulled the trigger, taking the thing’s head off.

“Good shot. I think we must be near a nest of them.” Van Helsing took aim and squeezed off a few shots, manging to kill three of the monsters. There were too many however to make the pistol a really effective weapon. 

“What a damn nice camp site you picked out for us Gabriel.” The friar growled as he pumped the shotgun and took down two more trolls. “Here. I’ve got an idea.”

Carl threw the shotgun toward him and darted to his pack. Van Helsing caught the firearm and pumped it one handed while dispatching another troll with his revolver. He then slew another four with a well aimed shotgun blast. The horses were neighing and whinnying loudly as they kicked and stomped at the creatures attacking them. He was just about to rush to free them when Carl’s voice rang out over the camp. “Eureka!” 

“Gabriel!” Carl shouted as he turned from his pack and launched himself at the other man, throwing a handful of round objects into the biggest knot of trolls. A brilliant light enveloped the camp causing the monsters to screech wildly and scatter into the night.

From his current location under Carl, Gabriel blinked to try and restore his sight. The light had blinded him slightly. As his vision cleared he could see trolls retreating into the woods, dragging most of their dead along with them. 

“Vampire bombs?” 

“No. Just white phosphorus and magnesium flash grenades. Trolls are well recorded to be sensitive to light so I thought it might at least stun them.”

“Looks like it did more than that. Carl.”

“I know. I’m a genius.”

“You’re also crushing me.” Gabriel smirked at the man above him.

Carl rolled his eyes. “I highly doubt that. You’re much bigger than I.”

Gabriel leered. “Not everywhere I’m not.”

Carl grinned but he also blushed a little. “Maybe I should just stay right were I am and take advantage of the position?”

“Only if you want more trolls sneaking up on us while we’re fucking.” Gabriel deftly rolled the smaller man over onto his back and pinned him to the ground. “Much as I hate to put an end to this little tryst, I think we need to break camp and move on.”

“I seem to recall someone suggesting we find an inn. Who was that I wonder?”

Gabriel moved off the man. “Some pest who keeps following me everywhere I go. Get dressed you.”

Carl sighed and got up. Breaking camp was, as usual, faster then setting it up had been. The fire was smothered, the leftover food was buried and the packs were filled and refitted onto the horses. For some reason Carl chose to don his robes again last, so Gabriel spent a great deal of time watching him rather then packing up. With the man finally back into his layers of clerical garb, Van Helsing had to work double time to get everything in order.

“Don’t pack that yet.” Carl said at Gabriel picked up his knapsack. The friar snatched the thing from him and went to one the few remaining troll corpses. He pulled out his dissection kit and started too take samples from the beast, humming pleasantly as he did. The samples were slipped into long, thin rubber bags that he then tied shut.

“Carl? Are those?”

“Yes. They make excellent sample bags as it happens. Every time the church seizes a crate I nick them. I can’t tell you how many times they have proved very handy.” The friar nodded and cleaned up his from his work.

“I’m sure. Do you think we could...”

“Oh, I fully intend to use them in their other capacity as well. No doubt about that.”

“Good.” Gabriel distracted himself from a new set of fantasies by disposing of the troll remains. 

The clearing finally empty of most traces of their time there, Gabriel consulted his map and compass. “Looks like the nearest town is... Fucking?”

“What?” Carl leaned over the map, then smirked. “Oh. It’s pronounced ‘fooking’ Gabriel.”

“Oh. Well, it’s still appropriate. That is what I plan to do in their inn when we get there.” He gave his companion a cocky smirk and settled his hat onto his head.

“Long as it’s in a bed, you can do anything you like to me. Twice even.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

The End


End file.
